What I Know

Realizing the truth of my marriage, the lies, the deceit, the distance, the loneliness, the darkness; not understanding why I could not be seen, could not be heard. Realizing that I had predicted this place, this time, this experience. I had seen it coming. I had known it. I had called it. I had captured it all in one fleeting, tearful premonition, in the doorway of where one life had to end -for so many, many reasons – and another life had to begin.

I knew then in my bones that even though I had seen the “writing on the walls,” I had to go. I had to leave the claws of an entity that had no wish for my growth, my goodness, my becoming what I was destined to be. One who knew, too, who and what I was. What I am and shall ever be, for that entity was far more destructive and dangerous than that which I was walking toward. And I knew this (but I didn’t know that I knew it until now) and I wept, and I walked, eyes shut tight and holding my breath, into the wilderness that was to be my world until I woke up, exhaled, and began my return to the Wild – my home, my destiny, me.

And I can be there now, freely, truthfully, because I know the loneliness and fear of being lost in the wilderness, running from my tribe, my truth. Running from the howl of the cats, the cries of the ancestors, that have been calling me all of my life. I needed to live this life, spending time alone in the dark to find my way back through life’s labyrinth, scarred, chipped, flawed, but unbent, unbroken and free. 

I know I can do anything. I can surmount anything. I know that I am on top of the world, wherever I AM if I have the courage.

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