Archive for September, 2008

Let Go To Listen To Receive

September 21, 2008

A couple of Sundays ago I was wandering the aisles of New Seasons Market when I began to go down an aisle that was partially blocked by a shopping cart. I started to back up to go around when I spied the magazines. Remembering I wanted to browse there I continued down the impeded walkway, excusing myself as I wriggled past the obstructing trolley and its “owner.” Arriving at the magazines I obliviously “parked” my cart and perused the racks.

Just then another woman came over to the magazines. She was telling a clerk how she had been searching all over for a magazine called Ultimate Northwest Magazine. Overhearing this conversation, and being the helpful sort that I am, I told her that that particular magazine was delivered free with The Oregonian. Well, to cut a long story short, it turned out that she lived in Beaverton where that publication was not a freebie – such is life. She found her magazine (all $5.00 of it) and went happily on her way. 

During this interaction, the “owner” of the trolley that had blocked my path down the aisle, arrived on her way through. I hurriedly tried to maneuver my cart out of her way saying “I’ll get out of your way.” This lady, Roberta, was her name, promptly said “You could never be in anyone’s way.” Surprised that she should say that, (this woman obviously has no idea what is happening in my life currently, I thought) I looked at her questioningly and asked “Why not?” She replied “You are beautiful inside and out.” Her reply discombobulated me. Initially, I was flattered, and embarrassed, (I’ve never been good at receiving a compliment,) but then I became a little peeved as I wondered why everything always came down to looks. If you’re good looking, you can’t possibly have problems or negative issues affecting you. Beautiful folk have it all don’t they? … My inner “woe is me” whine was off and running. Still, in all this “mental creativity” I did manage to maintain my manners and thanked Roberta anyway. She had meant well.

As I turned to go. I was kissed, literally smothered, from head to toe with goose-bumps and in this sudden body-tingling effervescence, I was compelled to tell Roberta, and share with her my belief that goose bumps is the Universe’s, or Spirit’s, affirmation of truth. Then, when I came to, I focused on her face and wondered what she must thinking of me. To my surprise, she nodded, smiling at me, eyes and all (she didn’t think I was crazy,) and stated “Obviously you are not being told this enough by others.”

I did not know this woman, nor, as far as I could tell, did this woman know me, and she certainly didn’t know what was going on in my life (I could tell you stories), but she had just hit the nail on the head and it smarted. She had hit a nerve. It was my truth, and it was painful to hear out loud from a stranger. It felt shameful (as if it were somehow my fault) and it shocked the listening (which I confess had already been on shaky ground), right out of me. In my now full on defensive state, I translated what she had said to “You don’t think you’re enough.” I even heard it with the curl of a lip and the flaring of a nostril.

“Hearing” this set me off, and my knee-jerk response to this “conjured comment” was to proclaim “I know I am enough. I tell myself all…” Suddenly, something cut me off, silenced me – Spirit gently laid a finger on my lips – and whispered, “Listen.”

The funny thing is, I swear I heard this whisper in my heart. I held myself frozen, straining to hear it again with my ears. Nothing. Eventually, breathing again, I let go. I let myself relax. I actually felt myself open up and in doing so I heard the words Roberta had in fact spoken to me.

Listening now, truly able to hear, I allowed the truth of her comments, in particular, the final “box me into deafness” statement, to settle on me, sink into me and finally sate me. I then replied honestly, without shame, guilt judgement or inhibition, “You’re right. I don’t.” 

In that moment I realized that Roberta had carried to me a gift from the Universe, from Spirit, and I wholly experienced its power, magnitude and magic. I understood too, how I in my defensive, temporarily deafened, closed off state, couldn’t have accepted it. How I had needed to let go, release and open to receive it.

I thanked Roberta profusely for bestowing that gift on me. She in turn thanked me for being able to receive it. I am being reminded repeatedly, that we absolutely do receive when we give.

The Universe, Spirit, knows what we need at all times and is forever gifting us. We need to have the courage to open to accept these gifts and unwrap them in our own truth.

I am so grateful that I was able, that Sunday afternoon, to let go to listen to receive.