Posts Tagged ‘Divorce’

What I Know

August 19, 2008

Realizing the truth of my marriage, the lies, the deceit, the distance, the loneliness, the darkness; not understanding why I could not be seen, could not be heard. Realizing that I had predicted this place, this time, this experience. I had seen it coming. I had known it. I had called it. I had captured it all in one fleeting, tearful premonition, in the doorway of where one life had to end -for so many, many reasons – and another life had to begin.

I knew then in my bones that even though I had seen the “writing on the walls,” I had to go. I had to leave the claws of an entity that had no wish for my growth, my goodness, my becoming what I was destined to be. One who knew, too, who and what I was. What I am and shall ever be, for that entity was far more destructive and dangerous than that which I was walking toward. And I knew this (but I didn’t know that I knew it until now) and I wept, and I walked, eyes shut tight and holding my breath, into the wilderness that was to be my world until I woke up, exhaled, and began my return to the Wild – my home, my destiny, me.

And I can be there now, freely, truthfully, because I know the loneliness and fear of being lost in the wilderness, running from my tribe, my truth. Running from the howl of the cats, the cries of the ancestors, that have been calling me all of my life. I needed to live this life, spending time alone in the dark to find my way back through life’s labyrinth, scarred, chipped, flawed, but unbent, unbroken and free. 

I know I can do anything. I can surmount anything. I know that I am on top of the world, wherever I AM if I have the courage.

Tax Day

August 16, 2008

August 15, this used to be the due date for taxes for those who filed extensions back in April. The IRS now grants automatic six month extensions. 

I signed my Divorce Petition today. 

It was interesting sitting there alone (Did you know that alone is a derivative of two words, “all” and “one?”) in the law offices, reading through the dazzlingly bright white papers that were the sum of the last almost sixteen years of my life. As I signed my name (my given and the one I willingly took – it’s a great stage name) there was a moment when I felt a bubble of laughter begin to rise within me. I let is rise and I found myself thinking back on he and I standing together in the Marriage License offices in downtown Portland excitedly signing the document that would give us permission to live together, grow together, breed together, be together. Well we did manage the breeding part quite nicely…

I can’t really say I felt sad, more resolute. It was something I needed to do, it was so long overdue.

I believe people come into our lives (and we into theirs) for a reason, to impart gifts, (bear in mind we don’t always like every gift we are given, but they are gifts nonetheless.)

Some people stay only for a moment, others forever. It is our duty, to ourselves alone, in this human life, to have the courage to receive every gift open heartedly, no strings attached, and to unwrap it in our own truth.

In the pain of my life’s journey so far, from there to here, I have come to meet me, myself, and I, face to face, heart to heart, naked, truthfully, warts, wobbles and all, and I know that while it is all about me, it has, at the same time, absolutely nothing to do with me.

The simplest gift and my most cherished, is knowing and understanding deep in my soul (even when I might act otherwise – remember it is a journey,) I am what I am, and It is what it is.